Warning: this article is only to be read by creature who has good sense of humour. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely NOT coincidental.
Hey guys… I am back again. Sorry yesterday I didn’t have much time to write becoz I had a lot of things to catch up at work and must arrange orgies for lesbian Care Bears… (seriously :-D). Living in Singapore can be tough sometimes you know… because I feel the people here are just too freakingly nice. They always queue in orderly manner be it in the bus stop, buying TOTO tickets, collecting macDonald’s Hello Kitty, entering the church, and even when they want to meet prostitutes in Geylang (don’t be surprised people… they have queueing number there… example: ting tong ting tong ting tong… number 9347 please come in to room 013).
Talking about Geylang… I once called my friend, an average looking Singaporean, over the phone, and this is our conversation:
Me: “where are you bro ?”
Eric: “I am in the brothel… waiting for my turn”
Me: “what do you mean ?… are you queueing ?”
Me: “wow… that’s kinda creepy rite… a guy just walked out from the room, looked at you mockingly ‘i have ruined her… now is your turn… and you just get my leftover… hahaha (evil laugh)'”
Eric: “hey hey hey… don’t spoil my mood”
Me: “so how long you have to wait ?”
Eric: “around 20 minutes”
(so we chat about other stuff over the phone for the next 30 minutes)
Me: “so now is your turn ?”
Eric: “let me check with the pimp first”
(he is checking and I heard few sighing)
Eric: “shit dude… the guy inside just extended another 30 minutes”
Me: “hahaha… pitty you… well… patience brother”
Eric: “well… tell that to ‘MY LITTLE BROTHER’ (as he burst to laugh)”
(and we chat again until finally he gets his turn)
Me: “wow bro… I can not imagine how tired she must be… 1 hour with that guy and now she is going to be with an ugly pig like you… she must be a wonder woman with super stamina”
Eric: “who cares bro… sorry bro I gotta go inside the room, talk to you again soon”
Man… to me that is gross… yuck… in Indonesia we called it SALOME (Satu Lobang Rame Rame), in English simply means “One Hole For Many”… and I am not referrring to the golf hole… silly ! And I just wonder how those women (mostly were Thais) can work like that… 8 – 10 customers a day… they must be drinking GALLONS of RED BULL. A few days later I called Eric again to check how was the session he had.
Eric: “bro… you are not going to believe me… she is gorgeous… but before we started the session… she went to her desk, took a pencil, and wrote something. After the crazy session around 5 minutes and got the job done, I looked at that piece of paper. I almost faint man… apparently she has been counting the number of customers she has been with. And there are more than 2 thousands men… she must be very popular”
Me: “Wow. But look at the bright side, you are not alone… there are other 1,999 men out there who shared your experience. It is a shared service after all. Still feel you won the ‘hole in one’ ?”
Eric: “Shit man… hole in one , your head”
Writer note: because of that incident… Eric stopped visiting brothels… and a year later he got married. Of course I kept his secret tightly (…until now hehehe… becoz he didn’t extend the maintenance contract hehehe). Well anyway… God has an interesting way to make a person repented.
Now… back from the side track to our main topic about Singaporeans. I think Singaporeans are also very generous… they donated A LOT in charities. Perhaps they have more volunteer armies than the entire city of Jakarta does. For the sake of living in the campus hostel comfortably… and more importantly… cheaply, almost all students (especially the foreigners) forced themselves during FLAG DAY to collect donations. Well I was one of them… and I tell you people, the best place to collect donations are not in the MRT stations, nor outside of the shopping malls… but in the wet market. Yup… seriously and the most generous givers are no other than the aunties… somehow they never count their money when they give. When I did my flag day for the first time, I did it with my room mate Natanael Krisnanto at World Trade Centre… which is now become Harbour Front… and while asking for people to donate I heard few funny comments from my fellow Indonesians that have just arrived from Batam… that made me laugh. I bet they didn’t know I was from Indonesia too. These are some of their comments:
“Masih muda kok sudah jadi pengemis yah” – “So young… already become a beggar yah” — (yeah pitty me 🙁 )
“Kalau minta – minta yah mbok ganti baju. Kalau keren begitu mana ada yang mau ngasih” – “If want begging… better change clothes la. If dress so nicely… who wants to give”
“Mama… kasih dia rupiah aja… dia juga gak tau” – “Mommy… just give him Rupiah… he will not know”
“Dodi… coba tanya sama dia… ada kembalian gak” – “Dodi (her son’s name)… go and ask him whether he has any small change”
“Sir… can you give me 2 dollars… I no money go back Batam”
(after giving 20 cents) – “Excuse me… sticker give more… more… 20… for my all family in Indonesia… souvernir – souvernir” – (bloody cheapskate)
(2 Indonesian ladies took a photo with me after they gave donation), and as they walked away one said to the other “daripada mungutin recehan… mendingan dia jual diri aja” – “rather than collecting coins, he better SELLS HIMSELF”
When I was in Singapore for the first time, I found that… Singaporeans always leave tissue papers in the food court… wow… you will never see that in Indonesia… trust me. If you put a tissue on the table and there was someone else beside you… within 10 seconds your tissue will vanish. And the best part is when you said “where is my tissue”… the person besides you will look at you innocently and said “what tissue ?”. One day my fellow Singaporean friend from Christian Fellowship told me that in the food court Singaporean leave their tissue paper on the table to reserve the seat. Tissue paper is their way of saying “I was here first… this place is mine… this tissue paper is my representative… you shu shu away”… so since then I stopped my habit of picking up free tissues in the food court.
Singaporeans know how to dress nicely. I think in South East Asia, Singaporeans are the most fashionable. In Asia in my opinion it is ranked number 2, right after Japan. They know how to look great and I myself learn a few trick from some teenager friends… on how to look awesome without spending too much money in Bugis market or even leveraging the Great Singapore Sale. The one that my buddies and I love the most are the ladies short pants… that is the only positive side of Singapore hot weather.
We love “washing washing” our eyes during a bright hot sunny day… in Orchard road or even East Coast Park… staring at drum sticks and chicken thighs. Honestly most of guys have leg fetish according to the National Health Agency (so if you are a wife, you can start interogating your husband tonight), and for that kind of eye treatment… Singapore is heaven.. man.
The ladies here have good skin complexion too… whether they are fair, or tanned.. they just look nothing but gorgeous. But I also found that the Singaporean women make up tend to be heavy… up to the point you can not recognize them without make up. You read about Eric before right… well this happen to the same person. Eric just got married and in the morning after their first (wedding) night he called me.
Eric: “dude… this is my first time seeing Serene without make up and she is completely different… I didn’t recognize her… I thought she is the hotel room cleaner”
(seriously… I was bursting to laugh because the way he told me was really really funny).
Me: “it is your fault bro… for not doing a complete Quality Check”
So lesson learnt… if you want to marry Singaporean ladies… please once a while come to her house to do a spot check… and see her without make up.
The Singaporean men loves acting tough. When they are together, besides talking about sex and soccer, they will talk about their National Service memories. It is really cool to hang around with them, I have friends who are commandos, snipers, scouts, normal infantry men (the first to die), amour, HQ clerk, supplies guards, and warehouse guards… each with different story to tell and boast how their battalion is the best of the best. Because of the brotherhood bonding they are also not shame with each other. One day I went to sauna with some Singaporean friends in Kuala Lumpur… gee… they all just strip naked… and showed their bare didi. Yuck… of course mine is better looking than theirs… but that is too private to show… anyway I worried it will spark jealously due to my size hahaha. The 2 persons who could not flash our private part were me and my friend, Saleh (he is a Moslem and they are forbidden to show their thing to others).
Of course I went to that spa place for a foot massage together with another devout Christian brother, Vincent, but the rest went upstairs to spend time with “China girls”… which only God knows what really happened between them. The best part was after their session they made a ranking system… who came out from the room last, would be the winner… which logically means… whoever last the longest, he is the strongest and most manly. Surprisingly my friend Saleh won… and when I asked him what his secret was… he said “oh it was nothing… we just watch TV for an hour… she speaks only Chinese… I had no idea what she said”. I told him “perhaps she was asking you to take off your clothes… dumby!”. Finally we found that Saleh was super duper innocent or perhaps retarded. Like the meaning of his name, he is a really pious man. Till we came back to hotel he still had no idea what that spa actually was. But please don’t think all Singaporean men are bad and loves that kind of pleasure. According to the statistic, the percentage is less than 0.1% of the population … so in a room of 1,000 men… only 1 of them loves visiting brothels or dirty spas. So Indonesian ladies… please marry more Singaporean men lah… not just for the sake of PR (Parasite Residents) status, but also for the 5C (Cash, Car, Condominium, Credit Card, Country Club), that come along with it… well basically you will get everything but good sex (kidding kidding).
Another thing that wow me about Singaporeans is that they never talk bad about their government (with the exception of the taxi drivers of course… maybe Comfort Delgro should start installing recorders inside). Their government are really like corporate leaders, which means they run this country like a corporation. Anything that you can think of… they have discussed over and over again… including the sallary of the MPs, social issues, and foreign talents. They always have a plan, and many contigency plans. Their aim is pretty simple, which is to make Singapore becoming a prosperous country. Their PM, ministers… all are briliant people… who really know their area extremely well. I honestly salute them and thankful to them for granting me a PR status… (and if any of the MP read this… a free HDB flat for me will also be nice and appreciated). I have nothing to complaint against the government… they are trully the best in the world. Though with the recent years the oposition party has been getting stronger… I believe that PAP will forever rule this country and I really hope so.
Oh ya… let me tell you one secret… which came directly from the top government official… Singapore is in crisis (yes, people… you hear it correctly). But no no no, it is not economy crisis… it is not political crisis … but the crisis Singapore is facing is much more serious than that. Ok, I spit it out for you and please read it carefully: “Singaporeans are in the brink of extinction…“. Yup, you read it correctly. It is due to the low birth rate. The government even gives money to the citizens to mate (so far they exclude gays by the way)… to increase the production rate of little Singaporeans. Can you imagine that if countries like China, India, and Indonesia implement the same policy ? I guess they all will go bankrupt in no time.
My friend told me that you are not a Singaporean if you don’t like local food. And I think it is true… be it Prawn Noodle, Satay Bee Hon, Rojak, Prata, Nasi Lemak, or Mee Siam… Singaporeans will travel from one end of the island to the other just to visit his / her favorite food stalls. That is also the reason why mediacorp has so many TV shows about Food… like “Makan Sutra, Makan lost and found, and so on”. After living here for more than 14 years… my tounge somehow gets accostumed with the local taste. And whenever I travel to other countries, I always crave for good Kway Chap or Bak Kut Teh, with the unique taste that only Singaporeans can produce. Singaporean also has a term that is funny for us Indonesian, which is called “makan kaki”… which actually means “close friends that always go out with you to eat and try new food”… quite a long sentence ya. In Indonesia… makan kaki mean “eating foot”. I once went out with this gorgeous Singaporean lady at Pasir Ris sea food restaurant. I just want to tease her a bit.
Me: “You like SEE FOOT ?”.
Me: “The FOOT taste nice ?”
Jane: “Of course”
Me: “What the FOOT taste like ?”
Jane: “Well it is hard to tell… because there are so many you know”
(I was just smiling).
Me: “Ok, I give you SEE FOOT”
(and I let her see my foot)
Jane: “oh that foot… not F O O D…ah”
Singaporeans are really polite… for those Singaporean friends who knows me… you all know I love cracking jokes. And most of the time my jokes are super duper lame… nothing funny at all… you think I don’t know that, don’t ya ? But why I keep on doing that is because you guys’ reaction make it much funnier. You always pretend it to be funny and laugh anyway… maybe you don’t want to hurt my feeling or really want to appreciate my effort to be a stand up comedian… but looking at you all giving me that stupid looking smile or laugh… is soooo funny. Thank you so much for being silly for me ;-). But my friend told me that the most polite people in Singapore is the OKT (pimp)… wow they should win the Singapore Service Awards. They were so polite, friendly, and called you “big boss”. Maybe I should try next time before rapture comes hahaha (of course kidding la)
Many people say Indonesian are really polite… yeah it is true… but I feel they are not as gentle as Singaporean in admitting mistakes. I had a friend who is a Singaporean lady… her name is Irene, and one day during lunch I gave her one of my dirty jokes. She laughed so hard, until she farted… hahaha… the sound of her fart made me laughed until I cried, but suprisingly she said “sorry about that”. Now… in Indonesia… in another almost similar incident when I was in a public transport (we called it mikrolet, a kind of mini van waiting to be full, and the driver took a quick toilet break)… it was so hot and there were only 2 people there… me and an old lady. Suddenly she screamed… “who is farting… and began to spit”… of course there was only me and her there… and I didn’t fart. After that I smell a very stink fart… oh gee… it smell very bad… like if the person who release it has not been to the toilet for a month. I looked at her and she looked at me. She shamelessly looked so confident… I told myself “basket… a thief screaming thief… giving me a stink silent fart and don’t want to admit”. So in conclusion… related to farting… Singaporean is more considerate compared to Indonesian.
IMHO… overall Singaporeans are really the nicest people on this planet earth… this statement of mine remains true and sincere as long ICA keeps on extending my PR status hehehe. I truly grateful to this country who allow me to live, work, play, and poop hard. It always be my second home. I love you all Singaporeans and I hope we all live in prosperity for many years to come.
Thank you so much for reading this article about my thought. A writing which as usual provoking, full of craps, and had no meaning at all… exactly the same like the name of Justin Bieber. I seriously had much fun while writing this. Check out my other writings below. Love ya all, peace, and God bless !!! 🙂
Written by Handy Tirta Saputra on 19 Feb 2013.
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