Warning: this artilce is ONLY for people with good sense of humor OR who are non Pharisees. Not much spiritual content here. In fact there will be swearing and provoking words to emphasize some points. Parental Guidence is required. 🙂
Hi all… this is me again. It has been more than a week since I wrote my last craps here. If you are Indonesian or understand “Bahasa Indonesia”, then you can read my other articles that are less “hardcore” in this blog. FYI.. I also regularly write Christian sermons, testimonies, and daily reflections with the purpose of bringing you closer to our Creator. Which means… making you want to die faster… and meet God face to face :-). Well unfortunately it is a bad news to you my readers, who are mostly adulterers and drunkards… because you may not reach heaven… so you better repent now before it is too late (wow… this is more effective than a crusade ya ;-)). Though I love Christianity… please don’t be affraid people… I am not a priest… and I have not molested any young boys YET. I just simply want to portray Christianity not as a religion… but as a personal journey and relationship with our God. Having said that… please pardon me if I do not sound holy to you at all, because this is the way I am and again… I ain’t a priest. In fact many of my close friends commented that I am crazy, but unfortunately I feel very proud about that (which validate that my friends have a point here). But I submit myself to you, my cute and perverted readers,… to judge my sanity… and also my sagacity.
Through this “my thought” series, you can see me from different angles. I can assure you that no matter from which angle you look… I am still the same good looking, and bed rocking person, that deserves some attention from fellow homosapiens. And for your generousity in spending hours of your worthless time, to be showered by my craps, and most of the time you got f**ked up… in return I will show you the real me (wow… what a reward :-D)… uncensored and uncut… But never ever… ever… expect to see my naked photo or video here. It is not going to happen people… no matter what… because a pretty Indonesian lady named “maria astuti kinclong surbaningsih mutiara putri delima kembennya melorot” will be very jealous. And if she gets jealous… I might as well become a priest full time or switch to homo. Today I am going to bring you to a journey to my mind and soul… a journey that is a bit dark, which will explain why I often laugh all by myself… and also why I still get a boner… everytime I see sexy aunties in the gym (… this is only my marketing pitch people… but not bad huh ? :-D). You will travel with me… through the words, which are 100% genuinely written by me, and hopefully I can paint a smile on your ugly face during this whole process. But… if you DO NOT have a good sense of humour or your pet has just died… please do not read this close to satanic article… otherwise at the end you will have the urge to take a rope and a stool. Beware… you have been warned !!!
Commenting on my close friends who always call me crazy (due to their retarted nature, after being confined way too long in the zoo, and their limited vocabulary), I officially declare it here that I am not 100% crazy. Crazy people belong to the mental institution… but if you put me into a mental institution… I can assure you that within a week I will stage a riot there. So instead of being crazy… I would think myself as a little bit wicked. Again… I said A LITTLE BIT WICKED. One more time… A LITTLE BIT wicked… got it ? Taoists believe in the philosophy called Yin and Yang, which explains how two opposing force co-exist and interdependent in the nature world. M.Night Shyamalan showed this in his movie called Unbreakable. Yin is represented as good, soft, or cold. While Yang is evil, hard, or hot. But if you carefully look at the symbol of Yin and Yang… notice that even the white Yin is not spotless. It still has a bit of dark side (Yang) in it. The same thing is true for the Yang. So when I said I am A LITTLE BIT WICKED… you can guess where I stand in that symbol (…unless if you are a complete idiot of course).
But enough talking about philosophy… you are here not to scratch your head and get confused. You are here for my craps… yup… MY CRAPS… C..R..A..P..S, and I am determined to give them to you (no holding back… I promise… so embrace yourself for impact). Now if you ask me whether Osama Bin Laden is wicked or not, the answer is obviously he IS NOT, in fact he is in the border line between genius and f**king insane. Barack Obama on the other hand… IMHO he is wicked. The pope… also wicked. Jokowi and Ahok… definitely wicked. Handy Tirta Saputra… absolutely wicked. There is a saying “great people think alike”. So if you want to get out from your current miserable and pathetic life… start inducing a small dose of wickedness into your life OR you can get to know Christ :-D. By saying OR, also means logically you can have both at the same time :-D. Before I offend any of you too much… and let giant electronic companies like HP, Apple, Samsung, etc getting richer (because you smash your PC/ laptop/tablet), I will start by telling you about my personal stories… which hopefuly will not hurt any of your feeling… (just cross your fingers… people).
One of the people who knows best about my wickedness is my second GF (now is ex). One day she had hair cut at the salon here at Orchard, but the hair dresser trimmed her hair too much. When she came home she cried about that… for 2 hours and well… broke some mirrors too (luckily I had spare ones from Mustafa). So I hug her and told her “hey, swettie… it is just a bad hair cut… don’t worry… they will grow back… you don’t have to be upset…. anyway I am the one who have to find a new girl friend“. She then stopped crying and didn’t talk to me for A WEEK. The worse part was she didn’t let me touching her, especially her hair. Lesson learnt: never make jokes about women’s hair… they really take it seriously. And when I said hair… it means all kind of hair. My wicked buddy once said to his wife when I had dinner with them “honey… your nose hair have just come out to say helo to the world… or perhaps they want to jump to your food… hahaha (wicked laugh)”. I told myself “he IS FINISHED…” And as expected… he ended up sleeping on the couch for months. Now thinking back… if he knew that he would end up on the couch one way or another because of his foul mouth… IMO… back then he should just simply said this to his wife: “trimmed your nose hair B*TCH…” :-D. So personally I always think that jokes and women’s hair do not go well together, no matter how creative you are. They are like fire and gasoline… you may end up roasted. I myself experienced backfire before. One day I tried to compliment a lady during tea time at TWG but suddenly I forgot my lines… so I have to improvise very quickly “WOW !!!! YOU HAVE A SEXY……..group of… (paused)… armpit hair” (I really had nothing better to say). She then politely excused herself to the toilet (I bet really to check her armpit) and unfortunately she never came back nor answer my call after that. So if you have nothing pleasant to say about women’s hair… just keep your mouth shut. That is a very important key for long lasting relationship.
A little bit of intermezzo ok… (I am suddenly in the mood to tell joke… it came to me people… and don’t blame me for that). Ok, I have a question for you. If a group of wolves is called a pack, and a group of birds is called a flock… “What is a group of bushes called ?” Anyone has the answer ?… if not make a guess…
the answer: it is called PUBIC HAIR
(shark… I should put a disclaimer that this article is only for 21 years and above… if you don’t understand what pubic hair is… then ask your father… you will be amazed how stupid he will look like… consider it as a nice treat from me). Ok now back to our main topic again.
When I was in the university semester 4, I stayed in a hostel with a room mate, called William. He is a weird guy… (frankly)… in the way he talks and expresses himself. One afternoon when I opened my room I was quite shocked… seeing William was completely naked on the bed… and quickly hid something under his pillow (my guess it was an adult magazine). He was quite nervous and told me “it is a hot day. I am going to sleep this way if you dont mind”. And to save his face, I said “I am cool with that.”. At that time I had this curiosity on what he was actually doing. So I left my room and told him that I had a class… but less then a minute later I came back. This time I managed seeing him touching himself… yeah down there… but then he quickly pretended that he was already sleeping. Yeah he could try to fool me… but his little brother could not tell lie when it suddenly becomes like pinokio’s nose :-D. So I left the room again… and then purposely came back AGAIN to satisfy my curiosity about his reaction. I wickedly continued doing the same thing FOR ANOTHER 3 TIMES… and everytime…I had to hold my laugh… knowing that he continued trying to jerk off but I repeatedly spoiling his mood. So finally when I really had enough giggles, I decided to give him some privacy. That weird William was still pretending to be a sleep btw, while having a hard on. So I told him “I know you are not sleeping. This (my box of tissue) is for you. Please do not dirty my floor because this week is my turn to mop.”
Besides interesting experience with male friend… I also have some with female friends. Many years ago, before I met my first GF, I was in a bar with a cute Singaporean lady, who has great great sense of humor. I really had good time… it seemed that we were connected to each other very well… we laughed so much… it was a blast for me. Then after drinking a lot, she got drunk… and passed out cold. I told myself “sh*t… I have not asked her number, and surely her girl friends will not give it to me”. So I had this wicked idea. I wrote something on a piece of paper and put it inside her bag.
That night her girlfriends carried and brought her back home. The next day when she woke up, she found my letter and she read it:
“When you were drunk at the bar… you GOT MOLESTED“
I also wrote there my phone number (9xxx xxxx). As expected, around 3 pm on the next day I received a phone call from her, and I said to her “Gotcha!”. Needless to say I met her again and again as friend. At that time she already had a BF, and we continued our friendship. I had the privilege to attend her wedding, and watched her metamorph from a cute sexy lady into a fat ass Singaporean auntie… a mother of 3 little devils. She now looks much older than her actual age. I would say that the way she expanded to the left and right is faster than HDB building flats in Singapore.
Sorry if I offended any of the fat ass readers… I just love making fun of other people… especially women you know. My pack and I love to make funny jokes about flat chest women, tall women, and donkey faced women (seriously). While flat chest women is like airplane runway (it has zero bump) or just survived breast cancer… I find it more interesting to be with tall women (more than 170 cm), because they are more useful to me. First, in the event of stormy days… they will serve as a lightning pole. Second, if you are a bit kinky, you can use her for pole dancing (it is a bit gross… don’t try to imagine it). But deep inside actually I am also attracted to women’s inner beauty. Especially with ladies who has good maternal instinct and love children… wow… there is something very sexy about that. Even if a lady has donkey face… as long she loves children and can take care them very well… (despite of her looks)… she will still get PLUS (+) 1 point from me…. yup people I am very sincere and honest about that. But then I will also give her MINUS (-) 90 points for her donkey looks :-D.Sorry if I offended any of you ladies… (ouch… I have just heard PC / laptop / tablet cracking sound hehehe).
As a token of appreciation to my women readers (who survived reading up to this point)… let me tell you a secret that guys have been keeping from your kind for ages. And actually I am risking my life now for betraying my brethren. As guys actually we know which women are still virgin and which ones not virgin just by looking at the way they stand. Yup… you read it correctly. The secret is by measuring the distances between the women toes during stand still. If the gap is more than X cm… then she IS NOT a virgin. (btw… the X is part of the secret formula… part of Non Disclosure Agreement I signed). All sexually healthy guys from all around the world know this very well, and has been passed down from fathers to sons. But in the orphanages nowadays… this secret is passed down by male porn stars via porn websites. One day my friend whispered… “hey look at that grandma… she has less than X… it means she is still a virgin… bro..how do you explain that ?” I told them calmly… “oh… that is easy… she must be a nun” ;-).
I love making fun of religious people… because they are not easily offended hehehe. But I dare not make jokes about God, because it is written in the ten commandments… not to misuse God’s name. He is simply the holiest of the holiest. I dare not even to TRY making fun of God… because I am scared lightning will come from the sky… and fry me till I become crispy like roast Peking duck. So making fun of my God… is a big NO NO to me. I would rather make fun of pedophile priests, virgin nuns, pastors with quick money making schemes, and monks who don’t know what they miss in life. A couple of years ago when I was backsliden from God, I received an email that has a link to a web application. That application has questionaire, questioning about very dirty, and naughty stuff. Little known to the responder is that once they answered all the questions… their answers will be forwarded to the person who sent the email. So I forwarded this email happily to all the people in my address book. Only then I realised that there were some pastors’ emails too. So curiously I waited… and hoped that I would receive their questionaire results. Lo and behold… the web application forwarded me their answers. And when I read the answers from the pastors… related to all the naughty and filthy stuff… I almost fell from my chair. Wow… some of the pastors were really in the wrong job… they should become porn movie producers / directors instead hehehe. So the next time I met those pastors… we exchanged high five, and I told them “we are in the same band of brotherhood”.
Besides religious people… I am also a bit alergic to couple that are over reacting when they express their love. Many years ago I went to Zouk (one of night club in Singapore) with my friend and his GF (so in total there were 3 of us). My friend told his lady “why don’t we play rock, scissor, stone. If I win… I kiss your lips. If you win… you kiss my lips“… (come on what kind of stupid rule is that ?) I tried to suggest them to change the rules… if you lose you kiss my shoes… or lick my ass… something like that… but they didn’t listen to me. So as expected they played that stupid game and made me felt miserable. They will do something like this: “scissors, paper, stone… hahaha I win… come baby… MUACH…. scissorss, paper, stone… hahaha your turn win… MUACH… MUACH … MUACH” like that for several minutes… till I got very sick of them and told them “come on man… don’t be cheapskate… please get a room to CHECK IN“.
In a separate occassion I met another odd couple. Both of them are hardcore nerds… really deserve to be called the king and queen in the kingdom of the nerds. They loves almost everything to do with Japan… with the exception of geisha and JAV. They both used thick glasses, had master degree in computer science, played various Japanese anime card games, read most of the manga, and the only non Japanese thing they like is Star Trek. Since I am a people person, I told myself “at least I know Star Trek so I can relate to them”. But things started to get uncomfortable when the nerdy guy told me “#$1!$%&(@#$%^@#”. I asked him what he meant. And proudly he said “it means my phasor is locked on you and ready to fire… in Klingon language”. OMG… this guy gotta be kidding… he should be casketed in SINGAPORE ART MUSEUM. They also told me that they both go to Japan every 3 months… just to buy tons and tons of manga… and nothing else. I told myself if I were them… probably I spent most of my time in Akihabara’s xxx shop… buying whips or sailor moon costumes :-P. This couple also memorize the symbols of the twelve zodiacs… and told me sarcasticaly “you must be crazy if you don’t know those symbols”. WTF… if those symbols are so important… they will appear in Singapore driving license test questions.
Luckily I was there with another friend, James, who is normal like me, and he tried his best to ease the situation by changing the subject.
James: “I want you all to be creative. If you have 3 Singapore dollars… what will you buy ?”
The nerdy couple answered it cohesively at the same time… “POKEMON BALLS“… then they both giggling.
James: “how about you bro (referring to me) ?”
James: “hahahaha… that’s funny bro… you got me” (… but the nerdy couple didn’t laugh)
The nerdy couple: “you both are really sick…”
James: “ok now is your turn Tony (the nerdy guy) to say something funny”
The nerdy guy (Tony): (he thinks for a while….) “ok… what do you call FAKE NOODLE ?”
James and Me: “Instant noodle, bee hoon, vermicelli, udon, spagethi… (after a minute or so… we both gave up)”
The nerd guy (Tony): “it is called IMPOSTER. HIHIHIHIHI” (they both giggling). (James and I only looked at each other… wondering… which part is funny).
The nerdy lady (Diana): “ok, it is my turn now. What do you call a fish that is out of the water ?”
(before James and I had the chance to make a guess… she gave us the answer)
Diana: “it is called DEAD FISH GOT IT ? HIHIHIHIHIHI” (they both giggling annoyingly). (seriously… was it me or them… ?)
James: “ok bro (referring to me)… now is your turn, and hit me with a good one”
Me: Ok… I am going to tell similar joke, but it will be about you two (the nerdy couples: Tony and Diana)… are you all ready ?
James and nerdy couples: yes… we are
Me: “here we go. What will Diana say to Tony when they try their first GLOW IN THE DARK CONDOM ?”
James, Diana, and Tony: hahaha… seriously… we have no idea… you tell us.
Me: “Diana will say:
stop playing with your TINY LIGHT SABER
stuck it here in my WORM HOLE
drill me with WARP 9 ENGINE
And do not shoot your PROTON TORPEDOES until I order so
MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU
(they laughed so loud until tears came out from their eyes and their stomach hurts… then they gave me claps)
(Their reaction was a surprise to me… and somehow I felt good… to finally able to connect to the nerds through dirty jokes… seriously those jokes I made myself that evening, but the way I told it to them were more dramatic… now looking back… it kinda a bit lame… perhaps I myself already become a nerd :-D).
Another friend of mine, named Jimmy, who is married and at that time his wife was pregnant… already 8 months in Jakarta. Unfortunately his wife was also my friendster’s (a kind of facebook at that time) friend. I met Jimmy in geylang (red district in Singapore)… after I had frog porridge dinner with my other buddies. Like what most men do in geylang, I found Jimmy was talking to a Chinese prostitute aparently asking for the price or bargaining (hmmm… naughty Jimmy…. you have a good taste boy…). But when Jimmy saw me… he immidiately pretended he did not know me and just walked away from that perservered China girl. I bet I scared him and he quickly ran home after that. Well… people… In my opinion… talking to prostitute is not wicked at all….seriously. But blackmailing someone that this news will reach his wife… in my opinion is wicked !!! (yup… another Christian brother did that… for the sake of the Jimmy’s baby and his wife :-)). Jimmy and his family still live happily and harmoniously in Singapore now.
About a year ago, a Christian brother of mine called me. His name is Chris.
Chris: “Hi brother. I heard about your testimonies the other day, and I am so blessed”
Me: “Good bro… praise to our Big Boss up there. All glory belongs to Him”
Chris: “I am so encouraged now, and I think like you said we have to love another more”
Me: “Amen brother.”
Chris: “Suddenly I have burning love and receive a calling in marketplace ministry”
Me: “What kind of ministry ?”
Chris: “Reaching out to the CHINA PROSTITUTES”
Me: “Hmmm… that is unusual, but please depend on the guidance from Holy Spirit, because what you are going to do will be SUPER TOUGH. So are you are going to bring them (those ladies) to the church ?”
Chris: “No. They are not ready yet. It will be too much for them to handle… so I will start by sharing with them my testimonies”
Me: “Good bro. So I advise you to do that sharing session in public place… to slightly minimise temptations”
Chris: “yes, bro… we have planned doing our fellowship in the public place, at China Town area”
Me: “good… good…, so what is the name of the place ?”
Chris: “HOTEL 81… bro”
Me: “UH… HUUUUH… ??? “
Note: Hotel 81 is the most famous hotel chains in Singapore… best known for “TRANSIT”
Dealing with naughty friends like Chris above is not nothing new to me… I previously live under the same roof with their kind (next time I will share my interesting experience). One of my naughty flatmates, Sunil, once brought his mother from New Delhi to visit our apartment. Sunil is an INDIAN PLAYBOY and he tried to hide this fact from his traditionally minded mother. “Man… you have to cover up for me. My mother used to work in the police station. If she asked you any questions… just give her very brief answers ok… otherwise she will be very suspicious”. A few hours later his mother came, and greeted me warmly.
Sunil’s mother: “ah… you must be Handy. We spoke once over the phone.”
Me: “yes auntie. how are you ?”
(we chatted a bit… while Sunil looked very worried)
Me: “so auntie… why you come visiting Sunil ? He is already a big boy. He doesn’t need to be babysit”
Sunil’s mother: “yes he is a big boy now, but he always says… he is so busy with work, so he does not have time to look for girl friend”
Me: “oh… REALLY ?” (as I looked sharply to Sunil’s eyes… and there was a small flare at the tip of my eyes… yey cool !).
Sunil’s mother: “but now is the time for him to get married. I am introducing him to A NICE LADY from India, and she is now in Singapore having holiday. A perfect time and a perfect place to be match maked” (as she smiled widely).
Me: “oh auntie… that will not be necessary. Sunil always comes home with ladies and they all are REALLY… REALLY NICE TOO !! ”
Sunil’s mother: “oh really ? I would like to meet them”
Me: “well…errr.. auntie… how should I say… the problem is… those ladies… ONLY STAYED ONE NIGHT and ALWAYS LEFT IN THE MORNING“
Note: a year later… Sunil got married… with THAT INDIAN LADY, whom his TRADITIONALLY MINDED MOTHER chose ;-). Hehehe (wicked laugh).
Once my friend named Edwin, transitted in Singapore for 1 night from his Melbourne – Jakarta flight. I brought him to a bar, and hooked him with a Singaporean lady, named Gisele. That night I also got to know a Taiwanese lady… very pretty, long hair, and about 170 cm tall… really my type. Her name is Vivian. Well… things went very smoothly until Edwin opened his foul mouth, and started giving wicked jokes.
Edwin: “ladies… lets cheer for my buddy here… tonight is his bachelor’s night, and tomorrow he will be a husband of a very lucky woman. So Vivian please go home with him later. He will give you good money”
Vivian: “what… you think I am cheap girl ? And you are going to get married ?” (she took her bag and left us)
Me: “wait … wait… Vi… he is only jo….. king… Sh*t bro…”
Edwin: “hahaha… don’t worry… catch another one. There are plenty here”
(Gisele started feeling uncomfortable with us.. then excuse herself to the toilet… and when she came back… it was my turn to take revenge).
Me: “Hey Gisele… please finish your drink”
Gisele: “I had enough… sorry… I don’t like drinking too much”
Me: “Come on Gisele… Edwin has just put a pill in your glass… don’t waste it… come lets drink”
Gisele: “what the f*ck… you guys are losers…” (and she walked away from us).
Edwin: “d*mn you bro…. but it was really funny hahaha… good one… good one… hahaha. So it will be just you and me after all… till the end of the night… cheers bro”
Ok… now my fingers almost feeling numb… because of typing… but I give you one more story and after this we will call it THE END… okay ?
Another true story. Another friend of mine, Joko, from Indonesia complained a lot about his landlord (owner of his apartment) who stays together with him under the same roof. One day Joko had enough of him and finally decided to move out. Somehow his landlord refused to give back Joko’s deposit money… and unfortunately for Joko that he didn’t sign any rental agreement (contract) with his landlord. So legally speaking… Joko was at the losing end. Angrily he did something that is unimaginable to most of us. This is to show that during desperate time… wickedness can just come uninvited. He went to the shower room and stayed there for 5 minutes. When he got out from there I saw him looked very happy. Later on outside of that apartment Joko told me about what he did… “you know that old man ? he always puts his shampoo in the shower room… so just now in there… I opened his shampoo bottle and peed inside. Then I saw his tooth brush … so I took it and I used it to rub my black as* hole then I put it back “. I told Joko “holy sh*t… that is wicked man”. But kudos to Joko !!! He got his justice ya. But don’t imagine the reaction of the landlord hahaha….
Actually I still have tons of other wicked stories and jokes… but before I forget my lines… I would like to elaborate some points in this paragraph, next next paragraph, and next next next paragraph to come (seriously).
Once again let me say that I AM WICKED inside (I am sure by now you are pretty convinced :-D). With that kind of craps in my brains… and surrounded almost daily by friends alike… it is not a surprise that I became an irresistable force of nature :-D… and wicked. But the truth is… WICKEDNESS IS WITHIN ALL OF US. When this cool guy named Adam committed the first sin ever known to mankind… something broke inside of him. He suddenly became conscious about what is GOOD and what is EVIL (wicked). And generation after generation… that seed of wickedness were passed down… until finaly reached us during the D Day of Normandy (invasion of our daddy sperm armies to our mother’s egg nest). When we were born… that wickedness is already within us. Mankind has no idea how to purge that wickedness out. Many philosophers and great minds in the ancient time (like socrates, plato, pluto, mickey mouse, donald duck, etc) could not figure it out.
Until one day… for to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on His shoulders. And He will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. He is the God that became a man, but unfortunately the people in His era didn’t know who He really is… until this man… this God… was sacrificed on the cross… so once again we all can find hope and be reconciled with the Father from whom the universe was born. When we are in intimacy with God… then only we know how to handle our wickedness… because we start bearing what is called the Fruit of the Spirit. And one part of that fruit is called TEMPERANCE, which means SELF RESTRAINTS. Restraints from what you may say. It is referring to restraining ourselves from committing sins and unleashing our wickedness.
Pardon me if suddenly you stopped smiling, and I sound like a priest. There are 3 important things that I would like you as my readers to remember. Number one: HONESTY. If you think you have no wickedness within… then think again… perhaps you are not honest enough with yourself. Number two: DO NOT JUDGE OTHERS. Long time ago I judged people… A LOT.. and from my experience above you saw how bad I was. I am still trying to be better in this area so I can become more and more like Christ. The whole idea is simple… if we all have the wickedness within… what is the point of judging others. Wickedness is more universal than hair (because some people are bald hehehe). Point number three: SEEK GOD FOR HELP. I need Him, you need Him, we all need Him. Nothing is impossible for God.
With self restraint… we all can live in the way that is pleasing God. So if you are a lady… and you have a BF who is like me… who is a bit wicked inside… please refrain yourself from slapping his face all the time. I mean… you can change it to kicking, and punching for variety sake. A wise man wanabe once said “what don’t kill you will make you stronger“… I really disagree with that completely… let me give you an example. Imagine a guy got hit on his crotch… well he didn’t die… but he is not getting stronger either… you got my point right ? :-D. So please lah sayang (love) one another… not by violence, but by compassion. So for you my brothers… if you have spare money… please lah… be compassionate to the hookers by supporting their business… in that way you are feeding her family, and helping the government overcoming unemployment. To the ladies… just pretend you didn’t read the last sentence.
I told you that I am about to end this artilcle right ? But since I am a little bit wicked I will continue with one last story before we call it a day. This time it is really the last one. You read about my friend Sunil before ya. Well… his mother gave him ultimatum to finally go back to India for an arranged marriage. Knowing that his time was limited, he begged me to bring him to any places that sound fun in Singapore. So I pitied him and asked him to join me to attend sister Ivy’s private events. As usual sister Ivy will introduce me to some European young model aged between 16 and early 20. As expected Sunil was very happy. And this was what we discussed (as far as I remembered) when we were at home getting ready.
Sunil: thank you bro for inviting me. Are you sure your sister is ok with me coming ?
Me: no worries. I have told her, and she said she will be delighted to meet you.
Sunil: thanks bro. I owed you one. Btw… are the models really pretty ?
Me: of course… they are. I already met some of them. One or two… looks really like dolls.
Sunil: ok bro… in exchange of this event… I will teach you something that will be important to you for many years to come.
Me: ok… what is it about ?
Sunil: I will teach you a way to get laid with those models tonight… by using my secret technique that will work on any women. They will find you irresistable… even if you are ugly like pig.
Me: I am listening…
Sunil: (explaining like a professor)… there is chemical called pheromone, which is produced by male animals to attract female ones. The good news is we… male humans have it too, and we can use it to get women to bed.
Me: so how to get this pheromone ?
Sunil: ok… let me show you
(he then pulled his pants and underwear off and showed his “thing” to me)
Me: hey bro, what r u doing…
Sunil: seriously… just watch the way I do it… (he rubs the area under his balls with his two hands)… you have to rub it gently and long enough until both of your hand have smell.
Me: what kind of smell ?
Sunil: come… and smell my hands.
Me: WTF… I am not going to smell your hands… ok then what ?
Sunil: that is the smell of pheremone… and you just need to apply it to your cheek and your neck area… (as he puts his hands on his face).
Me: I am very sceptical about that bro… it looks gross to me… I am not going to do it.
Sunil: suit yourself bro, but it always works for me.
Less than an hour later we were at sister Ivy’s private function and as usual she introduced me to the models. Most of the female models were from Europe, and you know… how some Europeans greet each other right ? They will do cheek to cheeck touching. Unlucky to me… Sunil was standing infront of me… so he got the chance to do cheek to cheek exchange with the models first. At that time I told myself “OMG… those models didn’t know that they have Sunil’s black balls on their face“. So when those models want to do the same to me… I quickly gave my hand for handshake and told them “I am Indonesian… we do handshake in our country :-P.” Obviously… “I ain’t get his balls on my face too“. Note: that night Sunil didn’t get laid with any models. So that pheremone sh*t… is just a myth… it does nothing but dirtying the models’ face. Me on the other hand… got to know a 17 year old model named Anna who came in later and was certified free from Sunil’s balls. No laid for me as well that night but it was the beginning of my sweet friendship with Anna… but that will be another story to tell.
Thank you all… for reading this article… and congrats… you have just wasted part of your life! Even masturbating is more productive than reading this craps of mine. So next time… instead of just reading, I will also force you to smell and eat them… no more Mr. Nice Guy ok. If I offended any of you in someway… please don’t take things seriously… this is just for fun ok. Anyway now you know that deep inside I have a black heart. But if you feel like craps right now… just remember that all the GOOD THINGS I said about you above…. ALL ARE LIES. And to be perfectly honest… I don’t give a sh*t about your feeling at all :-D. So as warned before… please go ahead to take the rope and stool. Ok… ok… ok… before my pastors tell me that I went too far… and before I made a 10 year olf girl crying because could not understand what pubic hair is… I just want to let you know that sometimes sarcasm can be funny. In real life… I don’t really use it all the time… mostly only when I yelled to my old b*tch… (kidding kidding… :-D). Btw, all the stories you read above came from my personal story… true events… real hero (me of course)… and the lesson learnt from them is simply… NONE. I hope you all had much fun as much as I do. And do not try to make sense what I wrote above… unless you can tell me why “natural stupidity is much more interesting than artificial intelligence”. Love ya all, peace, and God bless 🙂
Written by Handy Tirta Saputra on 7 Mar 2013.
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