Diary 9 Jun 2013 – Matters of the Heart

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I have not been writing this blog constantly for the past few months. One of the main reason is because I was indulged so much in my photography hobby. Overall I have improved my photography skills quite a lot, made several new friends, and most importantly appreciating this life that God has given more and more. There are so many things to update here, but I guess this entry will be the official start to write again, and you can catch up with the things I will write in this nlog. I love photography, but I also love pouring my mind and feeling into writing. I am sorry to keep you waited for so long. I don’t really have many followers here, but I am quite surprised how this blog has impacted some people in many different ways. So I am here to stay, I am here to write again. All glory to our Father in heaven.

This morning I had my very first bikini photo shooting in Tanjong Beach Sentosa island. The session was good and I was in the mood. The sands were a bit wet because rain fell down in the morning, but the air was a bit cooling. The sky was a bit cloudy so the light was soft and we had concerns that the rain may fall again, but the moment the models step in… we stop thinking about the weather because both of them have brought in new energy to our photography group, or perhaps because of them our energy level went up. Either way I could feel the difference and I could not wait to start shooting them. I was in the same group with the professionals: Nikon and Canon school instructors. Age wise they are more senior than me, equipment wise… well they have invested a lot hehehe, but surprisingly they were so so friendly and taught me about lens coating, flash lighting, angle of shooting, and composing background. And my first model to shoot was Paula Tokarski from Brazil.

Bare in mind that this was really my very first time doing bikini shooting. I had no idea what it is all about, as normally I did theatric model shooting. When Paula open her clothes and revealed the bikin underneath… somehow my heart started beating very hard. And I was very sure it was not because of my thyroid issue hehehe. This lady was bubbly and I just loved the way she carried herself. She knows how to play with my lens, and the experience I had was fantastic as if she lead me into dancing. Yup… the right word is dancing… as every expression and pose she had was unique… and in my mind I kept on thinking ‘wow… what will be the next pose ?”. It also means I was just an amateur photographer… but it was my very first bikini shooting anyway… not so much expectation there right hehehe. The session with Paula was unbelievable and unforgetable.

The next model was Anna Nina from Russia. This was my second time shooting her (the first one was the victorian maid theme with Happy Ending photography group) and she gave a different kind of expression this time. Like before she was a bit quiet during photo shooting, and this time round she was not wearing any shoes… yet she is still much taller than me… I guess we will never see eye to eye without a stool. Nevertheless she is still gorgeous. I really loved her jaw, smart eyes, sharp nose, and blonde hair. Once we start shooting I got a different kind of expression and energy compared to my previous Victorian Maid shooting. Anna suddenly became so radiant, and showed the cheerful attitude of her. It was simply a delight. After we complete the first round of shooting with Anna and Paula, they changed their outfit, and we shot for another 30 minutes before we called it a day. Before I left we did a group hug photo, and thank one another for their presence. It is a nice culture that R.E.H Photography has.

As I walked alone on my way back home, I can’t help to suddenly feel lonely. This feeling creeped back to my bones and reached to my soul. Something was not right inside and I did not know what. When I was in the train at the beach station, suddenly my iPhone’s random playlist played one song called “never let you go”. The chance for that song to be played there at that moment was quite slim as I have thousands of songs inside my iPhone. That song was special to me because several years ago I kept on listeing to it when I went into depression during the break up process with my ex gf. At that time I was in suicidal mode and there were a lot of emotional pain. So with that song in my iPhone as I entered the train at beach station, I started my conversation again with Father God. He gently asked me how am I doing now compared to several years ago and I told Him how much I thank Him because now I have recovered. Then He asked me whether I remember the place I used to visit when I was broken and listening to this song. Suddenly my mind was opened, and I told him… “I used to come HERE”.

I told Him that I am so glad that He really took care of me during that recovery process, but I can’t help telling Him how I felt at that moment. In that train I told Him that I felt lonely. I have not found my soul mate yet, not because there are no ladies around that liked me… in fact the opposite was true. But every time a lady came close to my life and I asked Him, my Father always said “she is not the one”… so I quietly maintained a friendship mode. So I am still single now because I obey what He said. And honestly… many people can not understand this. My family, friends, my pastors, and even my spiritual mentors… do not understand or believe this. Honestly speaking I had no one that supported my decision to obey Him. Almost all of them will say you already 30+ years old… how long will you wait. Everytime I said “I don’t know”… they always give me that look of doubt. But in that train then Father asked me “do you still believe in Me ?”. And I told Him… “yes Father”, though my heart was a bit painful when I said that. Then He said “wait a little bit longer and you will find your soul mate”. When I heard that… my eyes were filled with tears. He then continued telling me that He knows me better than I know myself. Through this entire process, He is making me to treasure my future soul mate. And I am committed to guard that relationship with Him.

I am glad that I come to a stage where… “If not because of God, then it is impossible for me to make that dream becomes reality”. I am glad that I can trust Him, even when none around supports me. I am glad that until today His opinion still matters the most to me. And I am glad that He is still my everything and I don’t want to let Him go. I love you Father, blessed is Your name :-).

Written by Handy Tirta Saputra on 9 June 2013.
All glory to Jesus Christ.
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